So here's my annual update.  Nothing new really since I updated last.  Still concerned about people, still trying to survive myself without loosing complete control (although sometimes that's incredibly hard)... Trying to stay sane is quite possibly the most difficult thing to do.  Thank god I have people in my life that love me and care about me (CM, SP, JC, just to name a few) but I feel as though I have hurt them, though I Can't put a finger on it, I feel something is different now, something that wasn't there before, or was there but I never saw it...  I don't know what it is but it worries me, a lot.  It has me thinking a lot and that isn't always a good thing at all.  In fact it's very dangerous most of the time unless you intend to think about it, which I seldom do or recommend. 

Anyways, That's about all I have to say right now, I don't know what prompted me to write in here today, or why I don't do it more often, it's just something that I did, and ussually I'm glad I've done it at the time, but later, I wonder if it really helps myself or anyone else.  Oh well, I guess we'll wait and see   Talk to you soon people.

Sf~

haha it is I!  ok so this hasn't exactly been a priority for me in like oh say 3 months, but what the hell, gotta throw something new up there every once in a while... So, I'm concerned about people.  Some more than others, but concerned all the same, if you're reading this, and some of you might actually be, call me, please, cause I love you and care about you, and want to see you... So yeah. that's my message.

I love you.

S~

Still searching for answers... people have provided many great distractions, but enevitably, the answers still allude me...  Oh well hopefully the answers are coming... I'm just not sure if it's a good thing to have mental breakdowns while driving a car 85 miles per hour down 93....  I guess that could potentially be hazardous to my health.

S~

ok so... I'm not sure how many of you actually still do these things, but i figured since I hate talking to shinks about this stuff I might as well throw it all out there for our friends in weblong land to think about.  In the past three months or so, I've had some very serious changes in my life.  well, two to be exact.  First,  I met the most amazing girl one could ever possibly imagine, and she's perfect for me.  It's wonderful.  Second, my mom died a week later.  Talk about going from one extream to the other in the blink of an eye

I don't know, I blame myself for her lose, although millions of friends assure me that I had no chance to do anything myself, I still don't see it.  If you have any thoughts on this matter, feel free to leave me a message.  It might allow me to start using this thing again.

Thanks for the help.

S~

Well,... let's see, it's been a while since my last post and by a while I mean, almost a month... A lot's happened this summer, though you'd never know it, I've done a lot of growing.  Things I thought I could handle, I couldn't... people I thought I could go without seeing, I can't, and feelings I thought were gone with the seasons, came back...  All in all everything came full circle, the only difference being I'm now 1 year older than I was when it started...  I really fucking hate this stuff sometimes and wish I could go back to my high school self where I could brush anything and everything off with a gran of salt, live a completely emotionless life where nothing and no one could complicate it, a life where feelings and emotions become a foreign language, where events and news brush by with the seconds on a clock, where people I care about cared back and knew the things that should be said...  Life is constantly changing now, and not always does it change for the better.  Life, though death might argue with me on this point, is neverending... like a cycle... as is events in life,... neverending.  I thought I could change this, I thought if I fought hard enough, cared long enough, studied until my eyes shut on themselves, loved with more passion than is humanly possible, that I could in fact beat these cycles, these, deaths.. but as time continues and the days pass, I beging to see that the enevitable will happen, the fears become realities, and that change is constantly around us.  Though I pride myself on feeling nothing, you know, all that macho male bullshit about nothing affecting us?  Yeah, I have it too, Although, in my own defense, I ussually do a pretty good job of not feeling anything, it's just sometimes, it's bound to happen. 
I used to think if I consentrated hard enough, I could read people's thoughts, and you know something... for the most part, I can.  But you don't have to consentrate really hard to do it, just look at their eyes... it says volumes more than you ever wanted to read, trust me.  Everything you could possibly want to know about a person is in their eyes.  Don't read body language, don't read facial expressions, just look into their eyes.  You'lll find what you're looking for 100% of the time, and even find stuff you're not looking for, but it's there.  I could ramble on and on about feelings, events of the month, the summer, the year, the last 5 years, it really wouldn't matter, you might hear similiar rants from other people, or maybe you'll hear things of a completely different nature, if you're reading mine right now, and read someone else's later, believe me I hope it's of a different nature lol  

well, I'll end this one here, I guess I'll catch up with life at some point, after all, it's not going anywhere except around.

SF.